Near the end of 2019 when things suddenly got tough, I realised a lot the things that I enjoyed and took pride in suddenly became soul crushingly difficult. I had always brought my A-game. Then almost overnight, it went away. Just like that.
I spent a lot of time feeling guilt for feeding Isaac and Ayla way too much foods that came out of a packet. Instead of our usual crafts and imaginative play, I let them have hours of screen time. I could barely get out of bed. I felt like I was a failing as a mum and yet I didn’t have it in me to give the way I did like before.
I’ll never forget what my friend Yannie said to me. She said, “Lindy, your mental capacity was never meant to be static”. Depending on our circumstances, our mental capacity expands and shrinks. I did not know this. It completely opened up my world. As someone who enjoyed being proactive, my mental capacity shrunk drastically for the first time in my life. When I tried to push myself past it, I would end up feeling frustrated. It was a relentless circle.
Fast forward a season onwards and thankfully things have gotten much better. Somehow you guys notice too. It’s amazing because your energy really doesn’t lie. A couple months ago, I made a volcano with Isaac and it was a huge moment for me. Somehow, I was back to doing crafts, painting, baking and more. My mental capacity expanded again.
Today, I realised my emotional capacity has not returned to it’s former glory. After breaking up way too many fights and raising my voice more than I would like to, I realised I’m still so very from it. For a moment, I was upset but why should I disregard all my progress? I’m still trying to navigate this journey we call life. I’m not where I want to be yet but the good news is I’m not where I used to be. You don’t have to see the finish line. You just have to keep going. One step at a time. One day at a time. I know a lot of you are sad, angry and stressed during this uncertain time. You probably have a lot you need/want to do but unable to. That’s OKAY! Your mental capacity has probably shrunken. Acknowledge and respect it by being kind and patient with yourself. You got this. #selflove #itsbubz
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