【我親愛的Zoom視訊客人們】
To My Dear Zoom Clients
我忍了真的⋯⋯真的⋯⋯很久,今天過後實在忍無可忍,一定要叮嚀所有過去和未來的客人們。
我年紀很大了,受不了太大的刺激。
拜託,你們可以Zoom好來嗎?😓😑
一、Zoom視訊的視角 = 拍護照照的視角
護照自2020年起就已成為古董,但大家這一生應該有拍過證件照吧!
對了,就是要頭髮整齊,讓我看到你的雙耳、雙眼、鼻子、嘴巴、頸項和肩膀,到胸部。
我批八字時,需要看整個面相。不要讓你一半的臉掉出鏡頭外,這樣很像鍾無艷,也不要嘴巴不見掉,這樣我很像在跟一條羅漢魚視訊。
我看面相包括看你的嘴巴、牙齒和說話時的嘴形。是的,看相就是需要那麼仔細。
如果你的螢幕太低,那就找書本或舊報紙,把螢幕墊高一點。別讓我整一個小時半只看到你的雙下巴,會把你的面相比例給看錯。
不要一直告訴我不好意思,方法是人想出來的。
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二、光線
太暗,我看你如見鬼。
太亮,我會看不清你的膚色。
拉開窗簾,不要背向陽光。
有必要的話,就直接開燈!
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三、勿放什麼椰樹沙灘/金門大橋的虛擬背景圖
什麼虛擬背景圖都不要放啦~
我的家美最重要,我不在乎你的家美不美,我只是來看命的。
如果你的Wi-Fi不是很強,電腦功能不是很厲害,這類的虛擬背景圖會讓你的視訊畫面卡卡的。
有時你轉個身,整個右邊不見了,或部份的頭髮少了,讓我覺得我好像在看恐怖片,嚇人啊~
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四、環境和聲音
有些海外客人其實非常用心。為了與我視訊,特別去買有麥克風的耳機🎧,讓我能更清楚的聽到他們的聲音。😍
沒有使用耳機和麥克風的客人,往往他們的聲音會有種空氣般的回音,如果他們本身講話又小聲,我的耳機聲量開滿,我還是聽得滿辛苦的
也有香港和馬來西亞客人租過會議室、鐘點房間或單人工作室,就是為了不受家人的干擾,能安心的與我視訊。😍
最有趣的是,去年新加坡阻斷措施時,有位男客人跑到屋外的走廊坐在地上與我視訊。只是外頭風聲有點大,我好幾次都聽不清楚他的聲音。
曾有客人在咖啡廳與我視訊。咖啡廳裡的高談闊論聲和器皿的敲擊聲,頻頻從我的耳機闖進我的耳朵,哇~我的耳朵那時真的是活受罪,還要裝一副氣定神閒的樣子。
天啊,兩次過後,我寧願退錢,也不再見這樣的客人了。耳朵只有一對,我要保護好啊!
在這裡聲明:一般我們買手機時的那種有麥克風的耳機,就已能視訊。沒有戴耳機和麥克風的客人,我一概會拒絕諮詢,把費用原銀奉還。
五、孩子
曾試過諮詢的前20分鐘,一直被女客人的小孩打擾,進來哭著要媽媽主持公道。
如果你家中有六歲以下的兒童,會時不時來敲你的門,我建議你還是先別約我。你這樣會分心,無法聽好我交代的事,而我也得一直等你去安撫你的孩子,就無法在限定時間內看完你的八字,這樣對誰都不公平。
六、我只見客人一人
這個規矩,從我一出道就定下來,也清楚的寫在網站上,根本不用一而再的來試探水溫。
但這兩個星期,還是有客人硬闖關,事先安排自己的配偶/孩子坐在電腦的另一面,要他們聽我講他的八字。
我從不改我的規矩,也沒有八字或風水是我非看不可的。
讀書這麼高,連自己的命都不能自己負責,這已經不是能改到命的人了。
你一定要你的配偶陪你聽,那你需要的不是我來教你改命,是你的配偶來安你的心。
將來若還有這樣的事,我會直接中斷視訊,把錢退回去。
七、「我第一次用Zoom!」
可是從報名那天到今天的諮詢,你有兩個月的時間去摸索。
兩個月,怎麼還是錯誤百出?因為客人根本沒有事先準備和練習。
結果我就這樣等了20分鐘,還得等對方下載軟件。
Zoom不難使用,但如果是你沒有花時間去摸索,就不要撒謊,直接說,我就直接退現錢。
品德是改命的資糧,不要為了自己能脫身就隨便編一個漏洞百出的謊,還說自己是好人。這...不會臉皮太厚了嗎?
小事都不願做好,絕對不會成大器。
八、暈車
有些客人用Ipad或手機來視訊。
重點是,他一支手拿著手機,一支手拿筆寫筆記。他一邊寫,另一支手就一邊搖晃。他做在床上,移動一下,手機就彷彿大海嘯幾下🌊
我一天如果見三個這樣客人,我的視線就搖晃了5個小時。工作完畢後,頭也會痛得厲害,無法完成晚上製片的工作。
沒有自拍器三腳架,也應該有些書本或東西來頂著手機。
各位,多點善心,為我著想一下吧⋯⋯
__________________________
To My Dear Zoom Clients
I have been enduring it for a really really long time. That's it! I am gonna put a stop to this after today and send out this reminder to all my past and future clients.
I am getting on in years, and cannot stand too much stimulation.
Please.... can you guys do a proper Zoom?
Number 1: Going on screen in Zoom = Taking a photograph for your passport.
Since 2020, the passport has become something of an antique but I believe everyone has taken some kind of ID photos! Yes, the ones with your neatly combed trusses where I can see both your ears, nose, mouth, neck, shoulder all the way to your chest.
I would like to see your full face during the Bazi Consultation. Please don't allow half your face to fall off the screen and you end up looking like Zhong Wu Yan! Please also don't hide your mouth making me feel like I am talking to a Arrowana.
When I analyze your facial features, it includes your mouth, teeth and the shape of your mouth while you are talking. Yes, it is down to such level of details.
If your PC / Laptop monitor is too low, please find a book or old newspapers and stack it on top. Please don't let me only see your double chin for that 1.5 hours, as I would probably get the proportion of your face wrong.
Don't keep telling me you are apologetic. Think of a way out.
Number 2: The background lighting.
Too dark, you risk looking like a ghost.
Too bright, I cannot figure out your skin color.
Draw open the curtains, but don't face your back to the sunlight.
If necessary, just turn on the lights!
Number 3: Background images of coconut trees on sandy beaches or the Golden Gate Bridge.
There is no need to put on a virtual background. I only care about how my hone looks, I am not bothered by yours. I am only here to see your Bazi.
If your WIFI signal or your PC / Laptop performance is poor, using the virtual background can often make your Zoom video choppy. Sometimes when you turn your body, one side of your body or some part of your hair will disappear. It's really like one of those spooky movies scaring the wits out of me.
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Number 4: Background environment and noise.
Some of my overseas clients really put in effort for our Zoom sessions. They bought a headset with a mic so that I can hear them properly and vice versa.
Those that did not use a earphone or a headset often sounded echo-ish, and if they spoke softly, I would have to turn on the volume on my side full throttle and still have a hard time trying to hear them.
There are some clients from Hong Kong and Malaysia who would rent meeting rooms, hotel rooms or private work spaces by the hour so as to reduce any disturbance from others and better focus on the Zoom session with me.
I recalled an interesting incident during the Circuit Breaker last year. A client from Singapore Zoom-ed with me along the corridor outside his house. Most of the time, I was hearing the howling of the winds rather than his voice.
Some clients sat themselves in coffee places for our session. These places are often filled with loud chatters and the clanging of cups and plates, and my ears suffered terribly. Yet, I have to continue to be seen as composed and attentive.
Goodness me, after 2 of such experiences, I decided that I rather refund these clients and never see them again. I have only 1 pair of ears and I want to protect them at all costs!
A normal earpiece that comes with the purchase of a handphone is good enough for Zoom video calls. For clients who do not have a earpiece/headset and a mic, I would end the consultation and refund the monies.
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Number 5: Children
There was once where a session with a female client was repeatedly disrupted by her kids, running in crying for their mother to settle their quarrels. If you have children below 6 years of age, and likely to interrupt our session, I suggest you don't book a consultation with me.
You will be distracted, unable to focus on my advice and I have to wait for you to clear up the situation with your children, eating into the allowable time for me to complete the consultation. This is unfair to both you and me.
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Number 6: I only meet one person, that is the Client.
I have set this requirement the day I stepped into this line of work, and it is clearly written in my booking form. There is no need to try your luck under any circumstances.
But in the space of 2 weeks, there were some clients who rode their luck and got their spouse / child to sit on the other side of the screen to listen in on our consultation.
I never change my stance, and there is no single client that I cannot afford to lose.
If you insist to have your spouse sit in, it is apparent that you do not need me to help transform your destiny. Rather you really need your spouse to put your heart at ease.
If such things happen the next time, I will end the session immediately and refund the fees.
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Number 7: "My first time using Zoom"
But you have 2 full months to prepare before our actual consultation. You did not end up wasting time exploring the software and I wasted 20 mins waiting for you to download the software.
Zoom is an easy software to use but if you did not spend the time to familiarize yourself with it, please quit the lies and tell me directly. I will refund the consultation fees on the spot.
Our moral ethics serve as the foundation for our transformation. Stop weaving web of lies to get out of sticky situations, and still claim that you are a good person. Isn't this too thick-skinned?
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Number 8: Giddy spells
Some clients use Ipad or their handphones for the Zoom session. Crucially, they hold the device with one hand, and take notes with the other. As they write, the other hand holding the phone becomes shaky. If he is doing that on his bed, his handphone would shake like a tsunami wave every time he changes his position.
If I see 3 such clients within a day, it would be 5 hours of shaking visuals for me. That would mean a splitting headache at the end of my work day, and not being able to work on my videos at night.
Even if you don't have a tripod stand, at least prop up the device with a book or something.
Please everyone, please be kind and have mercy on me......
有事鍾無艷意思 在 おしゃれキリ教室 Facebook 的最讚貼文
每隔一段時間坊間又會流行港男港女相關題目,如是者男女之間對立總是一波未平一波又起。
在蘋果日報與周庭話題之間悄悄得到大眾注意的最近還有兩個題目:「私樓妹公屋仔」、「AA制請食飯」。在嚴肅的社會議題之下兩個題目引來大家分散注意力輕鬆一下都是好事,只不過討論區當然又是一番龍爭虎鬥各不相讓。
老了有一件事情好,就是無論看幾多都不會影響自己的想法,自己的見解早就穩如泰山。可能「三十而立 四十不惑」就是這個意思,我終於成為老頑固了。
身邊的人不是已經結婚就是安定下來、再不然就是已經決定單身。活了幾十年太清楚自己的需要不需要疑惑什麼,用不着糾結、反覆審視自己的喜好以及選擇是否符合大眾。
社會上的住宅不是只有「私樓」「公屋」、和人吃飯除了「AA」「請客」還有其他因素。在住宅以及愛情議題上大家都明白,只有「二元對立」好處是討論的時候容易去作出取捨,但應用在現實就會忽略太多。
正如是否要撐蘋果?付出$10前是否會考慮他的立場是否支持港獨、有沒有出賣過義士、又要考慮他代表的是言論自由最後一家?結局支持民主活動的也不一定會100%buy蘋果日報。
有沒有問過自己到底自己「黃」還是「藍」?如果「黃」代表一切立場行先真假不重要,那麼內容農場就算自己有疑惑明知是假的都要支持才是「不割蓆不分化」?有沒有試過看着周圍鬥黃,鬥到自己都懷疑自己其實不是黃?
回到流行的議題,擇偶當然要看背景。
除了「未來的經濟狀況」,還可以從住宅了解「對方成長的背景」。假如真的是拍拖結婚兩個人以後要一起生活,是否能夠有共同的對住宅的要求以及期望是很重要的一環吧?
至於父母教育影響、小時候的興趣、長大後的飲食習慣各式各樣也是兩個人決定要攜手共付一生的時候會左右大局的因素。
住宅有機會影響價值觀,但並不是每一個「公屋仔」都是上進的代名詞、「私樓」亦不等同貪圖安逸。
用「另一半是否對自己好」去challenge「未來經濟能力是否重要」這是必然值得考慮的,但也不是全部。難道大家沒試過有個人對你很好,但你完全對他沒有感覺嗎?
反正到最後「你選擇怎樣的人、怎樣的人選擇你」一切都是個人承擔的結果。集思廣益完之後記住自己的取捨和選擇,不要後悔就好。
至於吃飯方面,我可以很刻薄地說有些人你請我吃飯我都不想出來。當然男士們也可以馬上反擊:「你老幾以為我睇上你?送塊鏡俾你好唔好?」
放心放心,我沒有以為你看上我的肉體或者外表,更加沒有誤會你對我有意思。
吃飯目的可不是只有「感情發展上床交媾」,無論男女總有些半生不熟的人找我吃飯表面是「食個飯吹吓水」,坐下10分鐘就會知道原來對方早有目的而來。例如查詢日本升學就業、移民意見、日語解析、旅遊計劃、行程安排,後來還去到人生導師、感情顧問、家居佈置各種環節。
最初本着「和新認識的朋友」吃飯,答問題也好「AA」也沒關係,只不過吃飯的時候總在開Turbo認真回覆,完全不覺得吃得高興甚至比工作更疲累。
而且通常這些「新認識的朋友」得到他們想要的情報後就會開始冷淡。
這些情況下我沒收時薪已經很好,如果你得到專業指導郤連請吃飯都不懂得,我會對你的人格很懷疑。難道這就是傳說中的「有事鍾無艷無事夏迎春」?美其名「約食飯」實際上「搵免費着數」?
這些飯就算你請我吃我都不想吃,因為明明這些知識你應該付錢才能得到。而這個時薪遠遠比一餐飯要貴。
我欣賞男女老幼之間都可以有平等的友誼,但我討厭利用「請客」去達成某些目的、更加討厭以「AA」表面扮朋友實際利用對方專業分野R着數。
半生不熟的關係還是提高警覺比較安全,我不想再被利用。
這也是為什麼網友說要跟你做現實的朋友時,現在我都會回答不習慣網友外出吃飯的原因。
—我是分界線—
以下是全文的中心思想歸納
#扮朋友約食飯實際套料攞着數無論男女多不勝數
#住宅可以看到部份成長背景價值觀但不是全部
#蘋果日報的支持與不支持都大有理由
#要純粹分黃色以及藍色沒有想像中的簡單對立
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有事鍾無艷意思 在 Cantonesedaily Facebook 的最佳解答
#廣東歌List
每個人都試過單戀,而單戀亦都分唔同嘅層次;有盲目為對方付出;有鍾意瘋狂FF;有明知對方都對自己有意思,但唔敢表白;有一直默默守候對方...
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無論你係邊一種單戀, 以下六首歌總有一首啱你😉
1. 容祖兒 & 李克勤 - 刻不容緩
處於噯昧之中,知道對方對自己都有意思;比哂提示佢,但就因為膽怯遲遲唔肯主動表白心跡,亦都係單戀者成日遇到嘅問題。 .
.
「遲來一秒鐘 遲疑一秒鐘 從迎接你變做目送
遲來一秒鐘 沿途經過和結局 其實太不同
遲遲未預備 第一句愛你 已經足夠醞釀暗湧」
2. 陳奕迅 - 落花流水
無論有冇曾經得到過,或者注定最後分開,只要曾經為對方付出過、愛過就已經足夠。 .
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「天下 並非只是有這朵花
不用 為故事下文牽掛
要是 彼此都有些 既定路程
學會灑脫 好嗎」
3. 衛蘭 - 一場誤會
每個未戀愛過嘅少男少女都經歷過呢個階段?憧憬愛情、而且幻想過理想情人嘅面貌,當有類似條件嘅異性經過,你就會不期然覺得對方都注意緊你,幻想佢都你睇中你、想追你...
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「是我敏感 誤會戀愛降臨
從未發生 交不出初吻
從來沒有 情人會行近 日落黃昏」
4. 謝安琪 - 鍾無艷
單戀分好多種,其中一種悲慘單戀就一定係「有事鍾無艷、無事夏迎春。」你事事都可以為佢做,但佢只係睇中你弱點,有事需要你幫手時就利用你;而你就100%係兵。當你真係忍唔住要表白,佢就會派好人卡比你,再繼續利用你嘅善良同真心...
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. 「被你一貫的讚許 卻不配愛下去
在你悲傷一刻必須解慰找到我樂趣
我甘於當副車 也是快樂著唏噓
彼此這麼了解 難怪註定似兄妹一對」
5. 陳柏宇 - 請跟我走
愛情最溫柔嘅境界就係明知對方有幾多情史,都唔會再過問同干涉,只係默默守候對方希望有一日可以比到佢幸福。 .
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「別問其實有幾個男朋友
你有幾次內疚 瘡疤積壓幾厚
若你肯依戀我都足夠
地闊跟天厚 只想帶你走」
6. 張敬軒 - 春秋
愛一個人但遭到拒絕,之後以朋友身份守護對方;自己經常埋首喺痛苦之中,深知對方無將自己看在眼內,放唔低同時感到唔甘心。 .
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「有沒有運氣再扮弱者玩失意
有沒有道理為你落髮必須得到世人同意
心灰得極可恥 心傷得無新意
那一線眼淚 欠大志」
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