《對不起，我不美》
自從有記憶以來，我就對自己的長相很沒自信。我恨我的外表，尤其是臉。
黑眼圈、內斜視、蒙古摺、單眼皮(混合式?)、蒜頭鼻、山根塌陷、嘴唇乾裂、滿臉痘、疤與痣、etc.
右眉角上的小疤痕，其實是多年前我在看著鏡中的自己時，在對鏡子裡的人的醜陋感到無助與怨恨，極度悲傷之下把鏡子拿起來不停的往額頭砸，破了鏡子也破了相，因此而留下的傷疤。我還記得血流進鏡子裂縫的畫面，現在回憶起來覺得頗具藝術風格🥴
雖然近幾年接觸了很多DJ和偶像明星等公眾人物後，才明白其實他們也是妝爆炸濃、花了很多錢整形、或照片修超大，但依然改變不了我對自己的長相很沒有自信的事實。
「人家有錢請化妝師、有錢整形、有錢請健身教練，但我沒有。我只能維持這幅醜樣。」
(相信我，現在99%的帥哥美女網紅偶像都有整形，有些連腹肌都是靠打針💉)
自從開始做網紅DJ之後，這份不安全感就更加深沉了。各位看到我比較好看的照片或影片，十之八九都是有化妝+修圖。尤其是宣傳照，根本修到連自己都認不出來是自己，甚至左眼是用右眼鏡像複製過去貼上而來。
不化妝，不修圖，很醜，很丟臉。
其實多少會帶點罪惡感，覺得修圖修很大是欺騙粉絲，更是欺騙自己。但為了競爭，任何宣傳照釋出前一定要修。假設周湯豪的臉是100分，我的臉只有20分，但上妝+修圖後的我有60分，雖然仍遠比不上周湯豪，但至少有40分的進步了，讓我能比59分以下的人更加賞心悅目一些🥸
如果這張照片很醜，讓你看了覺得噁心，我完全可以理解。我也覺得這張照片好難看。
我已經接受了自己醜陋的事實，不代表我不恨自己。我每天都怨恨自己的醜，但這就是我，沒錢整形的我。
對不起，我不美。
◇本照片以 iPhone 11 Pro 內建前鏡頭+內建螢幕補光燈 + 內建相機app 拍攝，昨晚玩尼爾時順手拿起手機拍，無修圖直接上傳。
For as long as I remember, I’ve been super insecure about my appearance.
Dark circles, crossed eyes, epicanthus, single eyelid(hybrid?), garlic nose, low nasion, dry lips, acne, scars, and moles, etc.
The small scar above my right eyebrow was actually caused by me smashing the mirror against my forehead repeatedly, cuz I was frustrated and felt helpless by the face in the mirror. I still remember the blood flowing thru the cracks in the mirror. It actually seems kinda artistic in my memory🥴
Although I’ve met some DJs and idols and realize that they either wear heavy makeup, spent a ton of money on plastic surgery, or photoshopping a ton, it still doesn’t change the fact that I’m insecure about my look.
“They have the capital to hire a makeup artist, do plastic surgery, hire personal trainers, but I don’t. I’m set with this ugly ass face.”
(Trust me, almost all pretty idols nowadays have gone thru plastic surgeries, male or female.)
Since I’ve been doing this influencer-DJ thing, the insecurity has only increased. In all the pics and vids that I looked good, I’ve been wearing heavy makeup or done extend photoshopping. Especially the promo pics, it doesn’t look like me at all. The left eye was even copied from the right eye.
No makeup, no retouching, that’ll be ugly, it’s embarrassing.
It actually makes me feel kinda guilty for retouching the pics. It feels like I’m lying to my fans and myself. But the competition is severe. Any promo pics have to be extra-retouched before posting. If Usher is 100, my face is only 20, but after makeup and retouching is 60, although still no way near Usher, at least I got an improvement of 40. That allows me to look better than everyone below 59.🥸
If you think I look ugly in this pic that makes you want to puke, I totally understand, cuz I thought the same.
I accept the fact that I’m ugly, it doesn’t mean I don’t hate myself. However, this is me. The me that can’t afford plastic surgery.
I’m sorry, I’m ugly.
Photo shot on front cam of an iPhone 11 Pro + built-in screen flash + built-in camera app. Taken when I was playing NieR: Automata last night. Raw pic no edits.
