5 tips for baking w a toddler (without losing your sanity!)
1. Keep it simple - box mix, easy recipes, things you know they can handle w very little intervention and not too complicated that they lose their interest and attention span.
2. Plan ahead and prep before you invite them to the baking space - clear off the counter, premeasure ingredients so all they have to do is dump in (eg I precracked the eggs into a bowl or else I knew Ella Grace would want to help me and we would have shell everywhere or she would dump flour into another bowl while I did it etc) I also chose to mix by hand instead of using the mixer because I knew she would enjoy it more and it would be less chaos!
3. Walk them through what you are making and your expectations of behavior and "rules" - eg. Ella Grace was standing on her high chair/step chair (Tripp Trapp) and my rule for her is that she has to stay on so she is safe and I remind her of that before we start.
4. Limit temptations - remember that they have very very poor impulse control so instead of battling it out or asking them to go against what they can't really control, limit temptation. Move things out of the way that you don't want them to touch, have a confident momentum of what is expected to happen then follow through. I also don't let her in the kitchen when the oven is on or I'm taking something out or when I was cooling the cupcakes because although she's a good listener, why tempt her?
5. Have fun! Enjoy the process, laugh together, pick your battles, try not to stress. Honestly, if it wasn't because we actually had to sell these, I would have totally let her spoon it all into the trays! 😂 Remember, they're not meant to be perfect, it's not what you both will remember for years to come. It's that simple memory of baking w mama in the kitchen just because. Xx
Part 1 of baking w a toddler w mama's mad baking skillz : box mix edition!! Totally not organic, totally not healthy, totally fun! 😂❤️
Come join us at the IBU bake sale tomorrow! Our friends SUPA DUPA Circus and BonBon Glitter Tattoos will be there along with our favorite Miss Sarah (fondly known as "sticky sticky" for her and gluten-free playdough skills and kindness) from The British International School of Kuala Lumpur
Details in comments (of original post) w tips on baking w your little one! Stay tuned for part two!!
「what is your favorite memory with your friends and why」的推薦目錄:
what is your favorite memory with your friends and why 在 鄭喬予 Facebook 的最佳解答
颱風 大風大雨
無法出門 可以在家幹嘛呢?
來學個英文吧!
#颱風
#實用的444句
#英文
1. I see.我明白了
2. I quit! 我不干了!
3. Let go! 放手!
4. Me too.我也是。
5. My god! 天哪!
6. No way! 不行!
7. Come on.來吧(趕快)
8. Hold on.等一等。
9. I agree。我同意。
10. Not bad.還不錯。
11. Not yet.還沒。
12. See you.再見。
13. Shut up! 閉嘴!
14. So long.再見。
15. Why not? 好呀! (為什麼不呢?)
16. Allow me.讓我來。
17. Be quiet! 安靜點!
18. Cheer up! 振作起來!
19. Good job! 做得好!
20. Have fun! 玩得開心!
21. How much? 多少錢?
22. I'm full.我飽了。
23. I'm home.我回來了。
24. I'm lost.我迷路了。
25. My treat.我請客。
26. So do I.我也一樣。
27. This way。這邊請。
28. After you.您先。
29. Bless you! 祝福你!
30. Follow me.跟我來。
31. Forget it! 休想! (算了!)
32. Good luck! 祝好運!
33. I decline! 我拒絕!
34. I promise.我保證。
35. Of course! 當然了!
36. Slow down! 慢點!
37. Take care! 保重!
38. They hurt. (傷口)疼。
39. Try again.再試試。
40. Watch out! 當心。
41. What's up? 有什麼事嗎?
42. Be careful! 注意!
43. Bottoms up! 乾杯(見底)!
44. Don't move! 不許動!
45. Guess what? 猜猜看?
46. I doubt it 我懷疑。
47. I think so.我也這麼想。
48. I'm single.我是單身貴族。
49. Keep it up! 堅持下去!
50. Let me see.讓我想想。
51. Never mind.不要緊。
52. No problem! 沒問題!
53. That's all! 就這樣!
54. Time is up.時間快到了。
55. What's new? 有什麼新鮮事嗎?
56. Count me on 算上我。
57. Don't worry.別擔心。
58. Feel better? 好點了嗎?
59. I love you! 我愛你!
60. I'm his fan。我是他的影迷。
61. Is it yours? 這是你的嗎?
62. That's neat.這很好。
63. Are you sure? 你肯定嗎?
64. Do l have to 非做不可嗎?
65. He is my age.他和我同歲。
66. Here you are.給你。
67. No one knows . 沒有人知道。
68. Take it easy.別緊張。
69. What a pity! 太遺憾了!
70. Any thing else? 還要別的嗎?
71. To be careful! 一定要小心!
72. Do me a favor? 幫個忙,好嗎?
73. Help yourself.別客氣。
74. I'm on a diet.我在節食。
75. Keep in Touch.保持聯絡。
76. Time is money.時間就是金錢。
77. Who's calling? 是哪一位?
78. You did right.你做得對。
79. You set me up! 你出賣我!
80. Can I help you? 我能幫你嗎?
81. Enjoy yourself! 祝你玩得開心!
82. Excuse me,Sir.先生,對不起。
83. Give me a hand! 幫幫我!
84. How's it going? 怎麼樣?
85. I have no idea.我沒有頭緒。
86. I just made it! 我做到了!
87. I'll see to it 我會留意的。
88. I'm in a hurry! 我在趕時間!
89. It's her field.這是她的本行。
90. It's up to you.由你決定。
91. Just wonderful! 簡直太棒了!
92. What about you? 你呢?
93. You owe me one.你欠我一個人情。
94. You're welcome.不客氣。
95. Any day will do.哪一天都行夕
96. Are you kidding? 你在開玩笑吧!
97. Congratulations! 祝賀你!
98. T can't help it. 我情不自禁。
99. I don't mean it. 我不是故意的。
100. I'll fix you Up.我會幫你打點的
101. It sounds great!.聽起來很不錯。
102. It's a fine day。今天是個好天。
103. So far,So good.目前還不錯。
104. What time is it? 幾點了?
105. You can make it! 你能做到!
106. Control yourself! 克制一下!
107. He came by train.他乘火車來。
108. He is ill in bed.他臥病在床。
109. He lacks courage.他缺乏勇氣。
110. How's everything? 一切還好吧?
111. I have no choice.我別無選擇。
112. I like ice-cream.我喜歡吃冰淇淋。
113. I love this game.我鍾愛這項運動。
114. I'll try my best.我盡力而為。
115. I'm On your side.我全力支持你。
116. Long time no see! 好久不見!
117. No pain,no gain.不勞無獲。
118. Well,it depends 噢,這得看情況。
119. We're all for it.我們全都同意。
120. What a good deal! 真便宜!
121. What should I do? 我該怎麼辦?
122. You asked for it! 你自討苦吃!
123. You have my word.我保證。
124. Believe it or not! 信不信由你!
125. Don't count on me.別指望我。
126. Don't fall for it! 別上當!
127. Don't let me down.別讓我失望。
128. Easy come easy go.來得容易,去得快。
129. I beg your pardon.請你原諒。
130. I beg your pardon? 請您再說一遍(我沒有聽清)。
131. I'll be back soon.我馬上回來。
132. I'll check it out.我去查查看。
133. It’s a long story.說來話長。
134. It’s Sunday today.今天是星期天。
135. Just wait and see! 等著瞧!
136. Make up your mind.做個決定吧。
137. That's all I need.我就要這些。
138. The view is great.景色多麼漂亮!
139. The wall has ears.隔牆有耳。
140. There comes a bus.汽車來了。
141. What day is today? 今天星期幾?
142. What do you think? 你怎麼認為?
143. Who told you that? 誰告訴你的?
144. Who's kicking off? 現在是誰在開球?
145. Yes,I suppose So.是的,我也這麼認為。
146. You can't miss it 你一定能找到的。
147. Any messages for me? 有我的留言嗎?
148. Don't be so modest.別謙虛了。
149. Don't give me that! 少來這套!
150. He is a smart boy.他是個小機靈鬼。
151. He is just a child.他只是個孩子。
152. I can't follow you.我不懂你說的。
153. I felt sort of ill. 我感覺有點不適。
154. I have a good idea! 我有一個好主意。
155. It is growing cool.天氣漸漸涼爽起來。
156. It seems all right.看來這沒問題。
157. It's going too far.太離譜了。
158. May I use your pen? 我可以用你的筆嗎?
159. She had a bad cold.她患了重感冒。
160. That's a good idea.這個主意真不錯。
161. The answer is zero.白忙了。
162. What does she like? 她喜歡什麼?
163. As soon as possible! 越快越好!
164. He can hardly speak.他幾乎說不出話來。
165. He always talks big.他總是吹牛。
166. He won an election.他在選舉中獲勝。
167. I am a football fan.我是個足球迷。
168. If only I could fly.要是我能飛就好了。
169. I'll be right there.我馬上就到。
170. I'll see you at six.我六點鐘見你。
171. IS it true or false? 這是對的還是錯的?
172. Just read it for me.就讀給我聽好了。
173. Knowledge is power.知識就是力量。
174. Move out of my way! 讓開!
175. Time is running out.沒時間了。
176. We are good friends.我們是好朋友。
177. What's your trouble? 你哪兒不舒服?
178. You did fairly well! 你幹得相當不錯1
179. Clothes make the man.人要衣裝。
180. Did you miss the bus? 你錯過公共汽車了?
181. Don't lose your head。不要驚慌失措。
182. He can't take a joke.他開不得玩笑。
183. He owes my uncle $100.他欠我叔叔100美元。
184. How are things going? 事情進展得怎樣?
185. How are you recently? 最近怎麼樣?
186. I know all about it.我知道有關它的一切。
187. It really takes time.這樣太耽誤時間了。
188. It's against the law.這是違法的。
189. Love me,love my dog. (諺語)愛屋及烏。
190. My mouth is watering.我要流口水了。
191. Speak louder,please.說話請大聲點兒。
192. This boy has no job.這個男孩沒有工作。
193. This house is my own.這所房子是我自己的。
194. What happened to you? 你怎麼了?
195. You are just in time. 你來得正是時候。
196. You need to workout.你需要去運動鍛煉一下。
197. Your hand feels cold.你的手摸起來很冷。 。
198. Don't be so childish. 別這麼孩子氣。
199. Don't trust to chance! 不要碰運氣。
200. Fasten your seat belt.係好你的安全帶。
201. He has a large income. 他有很高的收入。
202. He looks very healthy.他看來很健康。
203. He paused for a reply.他停下來等著·回答。
204. He repaired his house.他修理了他的房子。
205. He suggested a picnic. 他建議搞一次野餐。
206. Here's a gift for you.這裡有個禮物送給你。
207. How much does it cost? 多少錢?
208. I caught the last bus. 我趕上了最後一班車。
209. I could hardly speak.我簡直說不出話來。
210. I'll have to try that.我得試試這麼做。
211. I'm very proud of you.我為你感到非常驕傲。
212. It doesn't make sense. 這沒有意義(不合常理)。
213. Make yourself at home.請不要拘禮。
214. My car needs washing.我的車需要洗一洗。
215. None of your business! 與你無關!
216. Not a sound was heard. 一點聲音也沒有。
217. That's always the case.習以為常了。
218. The road divides here. 這條路在這里分岔。
219. Those are watermelons.那些是西瓜。
220. What a nice day it is! 今天天氣真好!
221. What's wrong with you? 你哪裡不對勁?
222. You are a chicken.你是個膽小鬼。
223. A lovely day,isn't it? 好天氣,是嗎?
224. He is collecting money.他在籌集資金。
225. He was born in New York.他出生在紐約。
226. He was not a bit tired.他一點也不累。
227. I will be more careful.我會小心一些的,
228. I will never forget it.我會記著的。
229. It is Just what I need.這正是我所需要的。
230. It rather surprised me.那事使我頗感驚訝。
231. Just around the comer.就在附近。
232. Just for entertainment.只是為了消遣一下。
233. Let bygones be bygones.過去的,就讓它過去吧。
234. Mother doesn't make up.媽媽不化妝。
235. Oh,you are kidding me.哦,你別拿我開玩笑了。
236. She has been to school. 她上學去了。
237. Skating is interesting.滑冰很有趣。
238. Supper is ready at six.晚餐六點鐘就好了。
239. That's a terrific idea! 真是好主意!
240. What horrible weather! 這鬼天氣!
241. Which would you prefer? 你要選哪個?
242. Does she like ice-cream? 她喜歡吃冰淇淋嗎?
243. First come first served.先到先得。
244. Great minds think alike.英雄所見略同。
245. He has a sense of humor.他有幽默感。
246. He is acting an old man.他正扮演一個老人。
247. He is looking for a job.他正在找工作。
248. He doesn't care about me.他並不在乎我。
249. I develop films myself.我自己沖洗照片。
250. I felt no regret for it.對這件事我不覺得後悔。
251. I get up at six o'clock.我六點起床。
252. I meet the boss himself.我見到了老闆本人。
253. I owe you for my dinner. 我欠你晚餐的錢。
254. I really enjoyed myself.我玩得很開心。
255. I'm fed up with my work! 我對工作煩死了!
256. It's no use complaining. 發牢騷沒什麼用。
257. She's under the weather.她心情·不好。
258. The child sobbed sadly.小孩傷心地抽泣著。
259. The rumor had no basis.那謠言沒有·根據。
260. They praised him highly.他們大大地表揚了他。
261. Winter is a cold season. 冬天是一個,寒冷的季節。
262. You can call me any time.你可以隨時打電話給我。
263. 15 divided by3 equals 5. 15除以3等於5。
264. All for one,one for all.我為人人,人人為我。
265. East,west,home is best.金窩,銀窩,不如自己的草窩。
266. He grasped both my hands. 他緊握住我的雙手。
267. He is physically mature.他身體己發育成熟。
268. I am so sorry about this. 對此我非常抱歉(遺憾)。
269. I can't afford a new car.我買不起一部新車。
270. I do want to see him now.我現在確實很想去見他。
271. I have the right to know. 我有權知道。
272. I heard some one laughing. 我聽見有人在笑。
273. I suppose you dance much.我想你常常跳舞吧。
274. I walked across the park.我穿過了公園。
275. I'll just play it by ear.我到時隨機應變。
276. I'm not sure I can do it.恐怕這事我幹不了。
277. I'm not used to drinking.我不習慣喝酒。
278. Is the cut still painful? 傷口還在痛嗎?
279. It's too good to be true! 好得難以置信。
280. Jean is a blue-eyed girl.珍是個藍眼睛的女孩。
281. Let's not waste our time.咱們別浪費時間了。
282. May I ask some questions? 我可以問幾個問題嗎?
283. Money is not everything.金錢不是一切。
284. Neither of the men spoke.兩個人都沒說過話。
285. Stop making such a noise.別吵了。
286. That makes no difference.沒什麼區別。
287. The price is reasonable.價格還算合理。
288. They crowned him king.他們擁立他為國王。
289. They're in red and white. 他們穿著紅白相間的衣服。
290. We all desire happiness. 我們都想要幸福。
291. We just caught the plane 我們剛好趕上了飛機。
292. What shall we do tonight? 我們今天晚上去干點兒什麼呢?
293. What's your goal in life 你的人生目標是什麼?
294. When was the house built? 這幢房子是什麼時候建造的?
295. Why did you stay at home? 為什麼呆在家裡?
296. Would you like some help? 需要幫忙嗎?
297. You mustn't aim too high 你不可好高騖遠。
298. You're really killing me! 真是笑死我了!
299. You've got a point there.你說得挺有道理的。
300. Bein301. Did you enter the contest? 你參加比賽了嗎?
302. Do you accept credit cards? 你們收信用卡嗎?
303. Don't cry over spilt milk.不要做無益的後悔。
304. Don't let chances pass by.不要讓機遇從我們身邊溜走。
305. He owned himself defeated.他承認自己失敗了。
306. He seems at little nervous.他顯得有點緊張。
307. He strolls about the town.他在鎮上四處遛達。
308. Her tooth ached all night. 她牙疼了一整夜。
309. How about a drink tonight? 今晚喝一杯怎樣?
310. I can do nothing but that. 我只會做那件事。
311. I get hold of you at last.我終於找到你了。
312. I have a surprise for you.我有一個意想不到的東西給你看。
313. I like all kinds of fruit.我喜歡各種各樣的水果。
314. I saw it with my own eyes.我親眼所見。
315. I will arrange everything.我會安排一切的。
316. I wish I knew my neighbor.我很想認識我的鄰居。
317. I would like to check out.我想結帳。
318. It has be come much cooler.天氣變得涼爽多了。
319. It's time you went to bed.你早就該睡覺了。
320. No spitting on the street.禁止在大街上吐痰。
321. She was totally exhausted.她累垮了。
322. Show your tickets,please.請出示你的票。
323. Thank you for your advice.謝謝你的建議。
324. That's the latest fashion.這是最流行的款式。
325. The train arrived on time.火車準時到達。
326. There go the house lights.劇院的燈光滅了。
327. They are paid by the hour.他們按時取酬。
328. Things are getting better.情況正在好轉。
329. Wake me up at five thirty.請在五點半叫醒我。
330. We are all busy with work.我們都忙於工作。
331. Where do you want to meet? 你想在哪兒見面?
332. You can get what you want.你能得到你想要的。
333. A barking dog doesn't bite! 吠犬不咬人。
334. Are you free this Saturday? 你這個星期六有空嗎?
335. Be careful not to fall ill.注意不要生病了。
336. Being a mother is not easy.做一個母親是不容易的。
337. Brevity is the soul of wit.簡潔是智慧的精華。
338. Cancer is a deadly disease.癌症是一種致命的疾病。
339. Did you fight with others? 你又和別人打架了嗎?
340. Don't dream away your time.不要虛度光陰。
341. Don't keep me waiting long.不要讓我等得太久。
342. He has a remarkable memory.他有驚人的記憶力。
343. He has completed the task.他完成了這個任務。
344. He has quite a few friends.他有不少的朋友。
345. He is capable of any crime.他什麼樣的壞事都能幹得出來。
346. He walks with a quick pace.他快步走路。
347. He was not a little tired.他很累。
348. His looks are always funny.他的樣子總是滑稽可笑。
349. How about going to a movie? 去看場電影怎麼樣?
350. I think I've caught a cold.我想我得了感冒。
351. I was taking care of Sally. 我在照顧薩莉。
352. I wish I lived in NEWYORK.我希望住在紐約。
353. I'm very glad to hear that.很高興聽你這樣說。
354. I'm your lucky fellow then. 我就是你的幸運舞伴啦!
355. It's none of your business! 這不關你的事兒!
356. No littering on the campus.在校園內不准亂丟廢物。
357. She is a good-looking girl. 她是一個漂亮女孩。
358. She mended the broken doll.她修補了破了的洋娃娃。
359. So I just take what I want.那麼我只拿我所需要的東西。
360. Spring is a pretty season, 春天是一個好季節。
361. The figure seems all Right.數目看起來是對的。
362. The stars are too far away.星星太遙遠了。
363. The whole world knows that.全世界都知道。
364. Tomorrow will be a holiday.明天放假。
365. We walk on the garden path.我們走在花園小徑上。
366. What you need is just rest.你需要的就是休息。
367. What's your favorite steps? 你最喜歡跳什麼舞?
368. You'd better let her alone.你們最好是讓她一個人呆會兒。
369. A lost chance never returns.錯過的機會永不再來。
370. Don't let this get you down.不要為此灰心喪氣。
371. He shot the lion with a gun. 他用槍把獅子打死了。
372. I don't think you are right.我認為你是不對的。
373. I have never seen the movie.我從未看過那部電影。
374. I haven't seen you for ages.我好久沒見到你了。
375. I was alone,but not lonely.我獨自一人,但並不覺得寂寞。
376. I went there three days ago.我三天前去過那兒。
377. It's a friendly competition.這是一場友誼賽。
378. It's very thoughtful of you.你想得真周到。
379. May I speak to Lora,please? 我能和勞拉說話嗎?
380. Mr.Wang is fixing his bike.王先生在修他的自行車。
381. My brother is seeking a job.我弟弟正在找工作。
382. Nancy will retire next year.南希明年就退休了。
383. Neither you nor he is wrong.你沒錯,他也沒錯。
384. Opportunity knocks but once.機不可失,時不再來。
385. She dressed herself hastily.她匆忙穿上衣服。
386. She hired a car by the hour.她租了一輛按鐘點計費的汽車。
387. Someone is ringing the bell.有人在按門鈴。
388. The Smiths are my neighbors. 史密斯一家是我的鄰居。
389. These shoes don't fit right.這雙鞋不太合適。
390. This is only the first half.這才是上半場呢。
391. This pen doesn't write well.這鋼筆不好寫。
392. Would you like a cup of tea? 你想喝杯茶嗎?
393. You really look sharp today.你今天真漂亮。
394. Another cat came to my house.又有一隻貓來到我家了。
395. Check your answers with mine.把你的答案跟我的核對一下。
396. Don't keep the truth from me.別瞞著我事實真相。
397. Everything has its beginning.凡事都有開端。
398. He came to the point at once.他一下子就說到了點子上。
399. He fell behind with his work.他工作落後了。
400. He is the happiest man alive. 他是世界上最快樂的人g criticized is awful! 被人批評真是痛苦
401. He neither smokes nor drinks.他既不抽煙也不喝酒。
402. He ran his horse up the hill.他策馬跑上小山。
403. He reminds me of his brother. 他使我想起了他的弟弟。
404. He was efficient in his work.他工作效率高。
405. He will do anything but work.只要不是乾活,他幹什麼都行。
406. His father runs a restaurant.他的父親經營一家餐館。
407. I have something to tell you.我有事要告訴你。
408. I smelled a smell of cooking.我聞到了燒菜做飯的味道。
409. I want to see the film again.我真想再看一遍。
410. I've got too much work to do.我要做的工作太多了。
411. Let's go for a walk,shall we? 咱們出去走走,好嗎?
412. Please let me check the bill.請讓我核對一下帳單。
413. Plenty of sleep is healthful.充足的睡眠有益於健康。
414. The sun comes up in the east.太陽從東方升起。
415. This is because we feel pain.這是因為我們能感到疼痛。
416. What do you desire me to do? 你想要我做什麼?
417. What you said was quite true. 你所說的完全符合事實。
418. You can either stay or leave.你或者留下或者離開。
419. Your life is your own affair.你的生活是你自己的事。
420. All that glitters is not gold.發閃光的不全是黃金。
421. Are you going to have a party? 你要舉行聚會嗎?
422. Aren't you concerned about it? 難道你不擔心嗎?
423. Don't forget to keep in touch.別忘了保持聯繫。
424. He broke his words once again. 他又一次違背了諾言。
425. He is in his everyday clothes.他穿著平常的衣服。
426. He is taller than I by ahead.他比我高一頭。
427. He led them down the mountain.他帶他們下山。
428. He was trained to be a lawyer.他被培養成一名律師。
429. I am afraid that l have to go.我要走了。
430. I don't have any cash with me.我身上沒帶現金。
431. I have been putting on weight.我開始發胖了。
432. I have just finished the book.我剛剛讀完這本書。
433. I was late for work yesterday, 我昨天上班遲到了。
434. It appears to be a true story.這故事似乎是真的。
435. I've got to start working out.我必須開始做健身運動了。
436. Japan is to the east of China.日本在中國的東部。
437. John asked Grace to marry him, 約翰向格雷斯求婚。
438. My watch is faster than yours.我的表比你的表快。
439. New China was founded in l949. 1949年新中國成立。
440. Thanks for your flattering me.多謝你的誇獎。
441. They charged the fault on him.他們把過失歸咎於他。
442. This car is in good condition.這車性能很好。
443. This work itself is very easy.這件工作本身很容易。
444. Truth is the daughter of time.時間見真理
what is your favorite memory with your friends and why 在 Red Hong Yi Facebook 的最佳解答
An incredibly beautiful, sad, brave, wise, inspiring post by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg. Early this year, I read her book 'Lean In', a book encouraging women to achieve their dreams and ambitions, and was so grateful it was written for such a time as this. I especially loved her chapter about David being so supportive of her. I'm still stunned by all that's happened to them.
Here's to beating the heck out of Option B.
Today is the end of sheloshim for my beloved husband—the first thirty days. Judaism calls for a period of intense mourning known as shiva that lasts seven days after a loved one is buried. After shiva, most normal activities can be resumed, but it is the end of sheloshim that marks the completion of religious mourning for a spouse.
A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: “Let me not die while I am still alive.” I would have never understood that prayer before losing Dave. Now I do.
I think when tragedy occurs, it presents a choice. You can give in to the void, the emptiness that fills your heart, your lungs, constricts your ability to think or even breathe. Or you can try to find meaning. These past thirty days, I have spent many of my moments lost in that void. And I know that many future moments will be consumed by the vast emptiness as well.
But when I can, I want to choose life and meaning.
And this is why I am writing: to mark the end of sheloshim and to give back some of what others have given to me. While the experience of grief is profoundly personal, the bravery of those who have shared their own experiences has helped pull me through. Some who opened their hearts were my closest friends. Others were total strangers who have shared wisdom and advice publicly. So I am sharing what I have learned in the hope that it helps someone else. In the hope that there can be some meaning from this tragedy.
I have lived thirty years in these thirty days. I am thirty years sadder. I feel like I am thirty years wiser.
I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. She has tried to fill the empty space in my bed, holding me each night until I cry myself to sleep. She has fought to hold back her own tears to make room for mine. She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my children’s, and I understood that she was right as I saw the pain in her own eyes.
I have learned that I never really knew what to say to others in need. I think I got this all wrong before; I tried to assure people that it would be okay, thinking that hope was the most comforting thing I could offer. A friend of mine with late-stage cancer told me that the worst thing people could say to him was “It is going to be okay.” That voice in his head would scream, How do you know it is going to be okay? Do you not understand that I might die? I learned this past month what he was trying to teach me. Real empathy is sometimes not insisting that it will be okay but acknowledging that it is not. When people say to me, “You and your children will find happiness again,” my heart tells me, Yes, I believe that, but I know I will never feel pure joy again. Those who have said, “You will find a new normal, but it will never be as good” comfort me more because they know and speak the truth. Even a simple “How are you?”—almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with “How are you today?” When I am asked “How are you?” I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am? When I hear “How are you today?” I realize the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.
I have learned some practical stuff that matters. Although we now know that Dave died immediately, I didn’t know that in the ambulance. The trip to the hospital was unbearably slow. I still hate every car that did not move to the side, every person who cared more about arriving at their destination a few minutes earlier than making room for us to pass. I have noticed this while driving in many countries and cities. Let’s all move out of the way. Someone’s parent or partner or child might depend on it.
I have learned how ephemeral everything can feel—and maybe everything is. That whatever rug you are standing on can be pulled right out from under you with absolutely no warning. In the last thirty days, I have heard from too many women who lost a spouse and then had multiple rugs pulled out from under them. Some lack support networks and struggle alone as they face emotional distress and financial insecurity. It seems so wrong to me that we abandon these women and their families when they are in greatest need.
I have learned to ask for help—and I have learned how much help I need. Until now, I have been the older sister, the COO, the doer and the planner. I did not plan this, and when it happened, I was not capable of doing much of anything. Those closest to me took over. They planned. They arranged. They told me where to sit and reminded me to eat. They are still doing so much to support me and my children.
I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalization—realizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word “sorry.” To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanence—remembering that I won’t feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasiveness—this does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy.
For me, starting the transition back to work has been a savior, a chance to feel useful and connected. But I quickly discovered that even those connections had changed. Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why—they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say? I realized that to restore that closeness with my colleagues that has always been so important to me, I needed to let them in. And that meant being more open and vulnerable than I ever wanted to be. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. One colleague admitted she’d been driving by my house frequently, not sure if she should come in. Another said he was paralyzed when I was around, worried he might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing. One of my favorite cartoons of all time has an elephant in a room answering the phone, saying, “It’s the elephant.” Once I addressed the elephant, we were able to kick him out of the room.
At the same time, there are moments when I can’t let people in. I went to Portfolio Night at school where kids show their parents around the classroom to look at their work hung on the walls. So many of the parents—all of whom have been so kind—tried to make eye contact or say something they thought would be comforting. I looked down the entire time so no one could catch my eye for fear of breaking down. I hope they understood.
I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted before—like life. As heartbroken as I am, I look at my children each day and rejoice that they are alive. I appreciate every smile, every hug. I no longer take each day for granted. When a friend told me that he hates birthdays and so he was not celebrating his, I looked at him and said through tears, “Celebrate your birthday, goddammit. You are lucky to have each one.” My next birthday will be depressing as hell, but I am determined to celebrate it in my heart more than I have ever celebrated a birthday before.
I am truly grateful to the many who have offered their sympathy. A colleague told me that his wife, whom I have never met, decided to show her support by going back to school to get her degree—something she had been putting off for years. Yes! When the circumstances allow, I believe as much as ever in leaning in. And so many men—from those I know well to those I will likely never know—are honoring Dave’s life by spending more time with their families.
I can’t even express the gratitude I feel to my family and friends who have done so much and reassured me that they will continue to be there. In the brutal moments when I am overtaken by the void, when the months and years stretch out in front of me endless and empty, only their faces pull me out of the isolation and fear. My appreciation for them knows no bounds.
I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, “But I want Dave. I want option A.” He put his arm around me and said, “Option A is not available. So let’s just kick the shit out of option B.”
Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A. As Bono sang, “There is no end to grief . . . and there is no end to love.” I love you, Dave.