[153991] 20791. Young Roddy & Le$ - Bout It (2014)★★
[153992] 20792. Young Paris - Kaké (2014)★★
[153993] 20793. Veronica Domingues - Catch Me When I Fall (2014)★★
[153994] 20794. Ummet Ozcan - SMASH! (2014)★★
[153995] 20795. Ty Farris - Where I Excel (2014)★★
[153996] 20796. Trust - Joyland (2014)★★
[153897] 20797. Trust - Barely (2014)★★
[153998] 20798. Trap Sensei - Can't Get A Hold Of Me (2014)★★
[153999] 20799. The Derevolutions - Bad King Kong (2014)★★
[154000] 20800. Shy Glizzy - Awwsome (2014)★★
[154001] 20801. RuPaul - Sissy That Walk (2014)★★__Steven Corfe
[154002] 20802. RRose RRome - The Hope (2014)★★
[154003] 20803. Ratking - Canal (2014)★★__Eric K. Yue
[154004] 20804. Peking Duk & Safia - Take Me Over (2014)★★
[154005] 20805. Novo Amor - Holland (2014)★★__Josh Bennett
[154006] 20806. Nakk Mendosa - Altitude (2014)★★
[154007] 20807. Mr. Marcelo - Still Dreaming (2014)★★
[154008] 20808. Murda Mook - 6 God Freestyle (2014)★★
[154009] 20809. Moneybagg Yo - Flexin & Finessin (2014)★★
[154010] 20810. Mas Ysa - Shame (2014)★★
[154011] 20811. JPDREAMTHUG & Lil Sony - Stardust (2014)★★
[154012] 20812. JPDREAMTHUG - All Glass (2014)★★
[154013] 20813. iNTIM - 16 svenska hits på 6 minuter (2014)★★
[154014] 20814. Insomnium - While We Sleep (2014)★★
[154015] 20815. Hannah Diamond - Every Night (2014)★★
[154016] 20816. Florida Georgia Line - Dirt (2014)★★
[154017] 20817. Katie Gately - Pivot (2014)★★
[154018] 20818. Kcee & Davido - Ogaranya (2014)★★
[154019] 20819. Kaaris - S.E.V.R.A.N (2014)★★
[154020] 20820. Kaaris - Paradis Ou Enfer (2014)★★
[154021] 20821. Dua Lipa - New Love (2015)★★__Nicole Noland
[154022] 20822. Famous Dex - Hoes Mad (2015)★★
[154023] 20823. Fox Academy - Grape Soda Bby (2015)★★
[154024] 20824. Fox Academy - Perfect Shirt (2015)★★
[154025] 20825. Givers - Bermuda (2015)★★
[154026] 20826. Good Grades - Catch Me (2015)★★
[154027] 20827. Hil Holla - Backseat (2015)★★
[154028] 20828. Hooliganz - Lost Love (2015)★★
[154029] 20829. HottBoy Zay - Let It Off Your Chest (2015)★★
[154030] 20830. Jah Cure - Rasta (2015)★★
[154031] 20831. Sneazzy - Super (2015)★★
[154032] 20832. Sniffle Party - All The Snow Is Gone (2015)★★
[154033] 20833. Swipey & Romilli - Dirty (2015)★★
[154034] 20834. Team Eastside Peezy - Hard Times (2015)★★
[154035] 20835. Slim Thug - Drophead (2015)★★
[154036] 20836. Salad Boys - Dream Date (2015)★★
[154037] 20837. Terintino - Ear (2015)★★
[154038] 20838. Redneck Souljers - Firewater (2015)★★
[154039] 20839. R3hab & Headhunterz - Won't Stop Rocking (2015)★★
[154040] 20840. Pegboard Nerds & Max Collins - Pink Cloud (2015)★★
[154041] 20841. Nedarb Nagrom - Next (2015)★★
[154042] 20842. Nicolas Godin - Orca (2015)★★__Sean Pecknold
[154043] 20843. Onra & Suzi Analogue - Vibe Wit U (2015)★★
[154044] 20844. Moneybagg Yo - Big Racks (2015)★★
[154045] 20845. Mhysa & Chino Amobi - power cuts (2015)★★
[154046] 20846. Major Lazer & Kali Uchis - Wave (2015)★★
[154047] 20847. Yo Trane - Late Night Drive (2015)★★
[154048] 20848. Young Money Yawn & Young Dolph - Half the Time (2015)★★
[154049] 20849. Tom MacDonald - Wheels Keep Turning (2015)★★__Tom MacDonald
[154050] 20850. Tom MacDonald - Old Number Seven (2015)★★__Tom MacDonald
[154051] 20851. Moonspell - Domina (2015)★★
[154052] 20852. Kabaka Pyramid - Well Done (2015)★★
[154053] 20853. Kamaiyah & Hottboy Zay - Out The Bottle (2015)★★
[154054] 20854. KAMAU & No Wyld - Jusfayu (2015)★★
[154055] 20855. Karmah - Intergalactic (2015)★★
[154056] 20856. Lukas Graham - Funeral (2015)★★
[154057] 20857. Lukas Graham - 7 Years (2015)★★
[154058] 20858. Kusta - Westcoast Lovin' (2015)★★
[154059] 20859. Kidd Kidd - The Game (2015)★★
[154060] 20860. Lo$ Zafiro$ - Los Babalaos (2015)★★
[154061] 20861. Digga D & Sav'O - Kill Confirmed (2018)★★
[154062] 20862. Diplo, Lil Yachty & Santigold - Worry No More (2018)★★
[154063] 20863. Discoholic - Still Down to Get Down (2019)★★
[154064] 20864. Disiz - Autre espèce (2017)★★∿
[154065] 20865. Disiz - Kaïju / Disizilla (2018)★★
[154066] 20866. Disiz - Splash (2017)★★
[154067] 20867. DJ Ackym, Adrian Sina & Sandra N - Sa ma saruti (2017)★★
[154068] 20868. DJ Boring - Untitled B (2018)★★
[154069] 20869. DJ Hard Hitta, Scotty & T-Top - Privacy (2019)★★
[154070] 20870. DJ Paul, Yelawolf & Jon Connor - Get Away (2016)★★
[154071] 20871. DMP Jefe - Make Sum Shake (2018)★★
[154072] 20872. DontBlameChase - Should've Stayed in School (2019)★★
[154073] 20873. Doobie & Clever - Burn (2019)★★
[154074] 20874. Dot Rotten - No Friends (2016)★★
[154075] 20875. døves & Wicca Phase Springs Eternal - looks (2018)★★
[154076] 20876. Dreamville - Sleep Deprived (2019)★★
[154077] 20877. Dua Lipa - Don't Start Now (2019)★★__Nabil Elderkin
[154078] 20878. D'Valentina - Nothing's Forever (2017)★★
[154079] 20879. Dzknow - Higher Speed Club (2019)★★
[154080] 20880. Dzkonw - Role Playing Game (2019)★★
[154081] 20881. EDEN - gold (2017)★★
[154082] 20882. EDEN - rock + roll (2016)★★
[154083] 20883. EDEN - start/end (2017)★★
[154084] 20884. Elderbrook - Talking (2017)★★
[154085] 20885. Elderbrook & Rudimental - Something About You (2019)★★
[154086] 20886. Elisapie - Arnaq (2018)★★
[154087] 20887. Elliot Moss - Barricade (2019)★★
[154088] 20888. Elliot Moss - July 4 (2019)★★
[154089] 20889. Elliot Moss - Silver + Gold (2019)★★
[154090] 20890. Elliphant & Skrillex - Spoon Me (2016)★★
[154091] 20891. Elon Musk - RIP Harambe (2019)★★
[154092] 20892. Emotional Oranges - Iconic (2019)★★
[154093] 20893. Eryn Martin - Ball (2019)★★
[154094] 20894. Eryn Martin - SK8FASTEATASS (2019)★★
[154095] 20895. ev.exi & Desired - Getting Late (2019)★★
[154096] 20896. EXO - For Life (2016)★★
[154097] 20897. FACS - In Time (2019)★★
[154098] 20898. Faf Larage & Akhenaton - L'américain (2018)★★
[154099] 20899. FAKA - From a Distance (2015)★★
[154100] 20900. Falconcrest & Ray Vendetta - Topsy Turvy (2019)★★
[154101] 20901. Falcons & B. Lewis x GoldLink x Jazz Cartier - Waterworld (2018)★★
[154102] 20902. Fat White Family - Feet (2019)★★
[154103] 20903. Fat White Family - Tastes Good With The Money (2019)★★
[154104] 20904. Fat White Family - When I Leave (2019)★★
[154105] 20905. fats'e, shinigami & 93FEETOFSMOKE - old me (2019)★★
[154106] 20906. Fivio Foreign & Rich the Kid - Richer Than Ever (2019)★★
[154107] 20907. Flipp Dinero & Rich the Kid - Looking At Me (2019)★★
[154108] 20908. Flor Amargo & Mon Laferte - Busco a alguien (2017)★★
[154109] 20909. Fox Academy - Popeyes Bag (2018)★★
[154110] 20910. Fox Academy - Property Brothers (2019)★★
[154111] 20911. fox4G & LEX - Sides (2019)★★
[154112] 20912. Franc Moody - Dopamine (2017)★★__Margot Bowman
[154113] 20913. Franc Moody - Dream In Colour (2019)★★__Marta Brodacka
[154114] 20914. Franc Moody - Terra Firma (2019)★★__Jacek Zmarz
[154115] 20915. Fredo, Yung Bans & Swaghollywood - Ain't Nothing (2019)★★
[154116] 20916. French Montana & Juicy J - 50's & 100's (2019)★★
[154117] 20917. Frenzo Harami - HB Freestyle (2019)★★
[154118] 20918. Freshie - Stick With It (2019)★★
[154119] 20919. G Perico - Nothin' But Love (2016)★★
[154120] 20920. Gallant & 6LACK - Sweet Insomnia (2019)★★
[154121] 20921. GALXARA - Killa Killa (2019)★★
[154122] 20922. GAWNE, Mac Lethal, Futuristic & Crypt - Death to Mumble Rap (2019)★★
[154123] 20923. ghostofblu - 608 (2017)★★
[154124] 20924. ghostofblu - AllMyDreams (2019)★★
[154125] 20925. ghostofblu - Killer (2018)★★
[154126] 20926. Griselda - Dr. Bird's (2019)★★__Hype Williams✚
[154127] 20927. Haarper - Anemic (2019)★★
[154128] 20928. Haarper - Puke (2019)★★
[154129] 20929. Hanzo - Civic (2019)★★
[154130] 20930. Hanzo & 6 Dogs - Blue Toes (2019)★★
[154131] 20931. Hanzo & SeanThomMoney - Complicated (2019)★★
[154132] 20932. Harlem Spartans - Call Me A Spartan (2016)★★
[154133] 20933. Head - Not Alone (2019)★★
[154134] 20934. Higher Power - Seamless (2019)★★
[154135] 20935. Hilltop Hoods - Golden Era Records Cypher (2016)★★
[154136] 20936. HMLTD - Loaded (2019)★★
[154137] 20937. HMLTD - The West Is Dead (2019)★★
[154138] 20938. HMLTD - Why? (2019)★★
[154139] 20939. Homeboy Sandman - Live & Breathe (2019)★★
[154140] 20940. Honie Gold - Playboy (2019)★★
[154141] 20941. Hood Ridaz - Me & My Broken Heart (2017)★★
[154142] 20942. Hook - Riot (2019)★★
[154143] 20943. Hook - Stand It (2019)★★
[154144] 20944. Hot Sugar - Your Nails Look So Pretty (2014)★★∿
[154145] 20945. Hothead1300 - In My Feelings (2019)★★
[154146] 20946. Hothead1300 - Right or Wrong (2019)★★
[154147] 20947. HottBoy Zay - Froze Up (2016)★★
[154148] 20948. HottBoy Zay - Play Me (2016)★★
[154149] 20949. HUSKii - Barely Awake And Paranoid (2016)★★
[154150] 20950. HUSKii & Lil Sknow - Servo (2018)★★
[154151] 20951. HUSKii & Lil Sknow - Slurpee (2018)★★
[154152] 20952. Hypno Carlito - Down Low (2018)★★
[154153] 20953. Injury Reserve - Rap Song Tutorial (2019)★★
[154154] 20954. INTIM - 15 svenska hits på 5 minuter (2017)★★
[154155] 20955. Isobel Campbell - Hey World (2019)★★
[154156] 20956. J Stylioso - Mayberry (2018)★★
[154157] 20957. J. Cole - Ville Mentality (2016)★★
[154158] 20958. J.I. - Company (2019)★★
[154159] 20959. Jackboy - Finessed A Finesser (2017)★★
[154160] 20960. Jakob Ogawa - Sunshine Girl (2018)★★
[154161] 20961. Jakob Ogawa - You'll Be On My Mind (2016)★★
[154162] 20962. James Arthur - Quite Miss Home (2019)★★
[154163] 20963. James Arthur & Travis Barker - You (2019)★★
[154164] 20964. James Arthur, Ty Dolla $ign & Shotty Horroh - Treehouse (2019)★★
[154165] 20965. James Vickery - Pressure (2019)★★
[154166] 20966. Jay'Ton - Mas Alta (Most High) (2019)★★
[154167] 20967. Jeembo - M.O.D. (2019)★★
[154168] 20968. Jermiside & L-Marr the Star - We Are (2016)★★
[154169] 20969. Jizzle Buckz - Crazy Story (2019)★★
[154170] 20970. Casiopea: Casiopea (1979)★★★
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white family funeral home 在 謙預 Qianyu.sg Facebook 的最佳貼文
【離苦得樂的大法緣】(English writing below)
有些父母,還沒來得及見到自己的孩子,就得爲幼小的嬰靈「出殯」。
昨天早上,有一位我從未見過的女讀者,私訊告訴我她六週大的胚胎已離她而去。她看過我講關於墮胎和流產的臉書直播,於是問如何爲她的水子靈報名超度。
在此,提醒大家,居家內勿擺放太多水晶或風水吉祥物。這些都會影響母親受孕及懷胎,也會破壞親子關係等等。
有些東西催得了財,卻會堵住子嗣運,讓你無法添丁。擺錯了,更會讓你「丁財兩空」。
也有些案列,當夫妻事業越來越好時,會猛然發現孩子的問題卻特別多,不聽話、學業不佳、健康頻頻出狀況、迷戀不健康的東西等等。
風水這門事,需要把一個家庭所有人的八字放在一起,再配合這個居家的風水一起看,來達到最有效的方案。不是隨便買個東西,放在所謂的吉祥方位,就能發的不清不楚。千萬也別隨便推薦人家亂買。
你的八字如果承受不起,又或者那位指點你的人福德不足,那就必需從你命中的另外一環去扣。這樣才符合因果律。
所以厲害的風水師,一定會自己修得好,再盡她他全力保你闔家平安,財源滾滾。這是我們的職業道德,不能像一般人一樣「見錢眼開」,不管客人家運的安危。
清明節要到了,大家都會去拜祖先,有的會祈求祖先保佑。但祖先如果活著的時候,沒什麼修善功,死前還病苦連連,你認為她他死後化為鬼,就會有更大的能力來保佑你們龐大的家族嗎?
我看到的事實是,很多祖先自身難保,後代沒持續爲他們超度,消業增福,結果祖先後代通通都不順。
我個人不主張吃拜過祖先的食物,尤其是孕婦,因爲一般祖先屬陰,我們屬陽。把他們吃過的食物,吃進來,我們身上的陰氣鬼氣會加重。
無論是墮胎還是流產的婦女,都應該坐小月子,把身體調好,除了報名超度,也得安水子靈牌位,及修懺悔法。
如果你想:
❤️ 盡孝道幫助自己祖先往投更好的境界,
🤒 爲病重的家人祈福超度他們的纏身靈,
👶🏻 爲墮胎或流產的孩子報名超度,
❤️ 爲自己的纏身靈冤親債主報名超度解怨
我大力推薦你可以報名我根本上師聖尊蓮生活佛這個星期六,2019年3月30日,主壇的《淨土三尊清明超度護摩大法會》。
淨土三尊,即是西方三聖,教主爲「南無阿彌陀佛」,左脅侍持淨瓶的「南無觀音菩薩」和右脅侍持蓮花「南無大勢至菩薩」。
能夠「一心不亂」的唸佛,臨終時,便會有西方三聖持著蓮台來接引你,往生西方極樂世界。
做不到,臨終時,會見到鬼祖先來個welcome party, 牛頭馬面和大二爺伯。這時,就得仰賴有大法力的成就者來爲亡者超度。
我爲何相信蓮生活佛能夠幫助你?因爲我親身體驗過,我和我家人祖先的故事就寫了在這臉書文章:goo.gl/KbCcXW
欲想報名這個星期六下午三點的《淨土三尊清明超度護摩大法會》,請在今天下午五點前到台灣雷藏寺網站,註冊爲會員,使用網路報名系統報名護摩法會:
💻 台灣雷藏寺網址: ➡️ https://tbsec.org/
📩 線上報名法會➡️ https://goo.gl/TnVyyW
📩 線上報名系統說明 ➡️ https://bit.ly/2O0DlSH
如果過了截至時間,你可以下載報名超度法會表格和匯款資料,再發電郵給雷藏寺。
報名祖先可寫:
祖先姓名或例如,李(你的姓)氏歷代祖先。
報名水子靈:
XXX (母親姓名)之水子靈,地址是牌位地址或母親居住地址。
報名超度,供養隨意,但我覺得如果後代太吝嗇,祖先可能會托夢來「打屁股」吧。😄
.......................
There are some parents who never get to see their child, and already had to make "funeral arrangement" for the young infant spirit.
Two days ago, I received a PM in the morning from a lady reader whom I had never met. She told me how her 6-week-old embryo had left her. She watched my old FB Live on abortion and miscarriage, and wanted to know how she could register for deliverance for her baby spirit.
My gentle reminder to everyone: Do not place excessive crystals and auspicious Feng Shui ornaments in your home. These can affect the chances of a healthy pregnancy, and also spoil the relations between the parents and their children.
While such objects may be able to bring in wealth, they will also obstruct the luck of having descendants. When placed in the wrong sector at home, you end up losing both money and your children.
I have also seen such cases: as the careers and wealth of the couple improve, their children woes also escalate e.g. disobedient behaviour, poor academic results, deteriorating health, unhealthy addictions etc.
A good quality Feng Shui audit requires putting together the Bazi of all the family members, with the home Feng Shui, so as to reach the most effective and efficient solutions, that do not compromise on anyone in the household.
Buying something randomly and placing it in the so-called auspicious location is not going to help you prosper like mad. Hence, do not ever recklessly recommend such objects to others.
If your Bazi is not up to it, or the person who advises you does not have sufficient merits and virtues to "transfer" to you, then the "wealth" that you gain has to be compensated by something else in your Destiny, so as to fulfil the Law of Karma.
This is why a competent Feng Shui practitioner is definitely one who cultivates him/herself well, and put in his/her best effort to ensure the safety, peace and continuous inflow of wealth for your family. Such is our professional ethic to uphold, and not to drool at the sight of money, disregarding the safety of our clients' family luck.
Qing Ming Festival is just round the corner. Many of us would be praying to our ancestors. Some will seek the blessings of our ancestors. But think about it, if your ancestor did not accumulate much virtuous deeds while alive, and suffered immensely due to sickness before his/her death, how likely is he/her be able to have greater powers to bless the entire family clan, just because he/she became a ghost?
The reality that I see is that many ancestors are having a hard time themselves in the netherworld. When their descendants do not continuously register for bardo deliverance for them, to eradicate their negative karma and increase their good fortune, both the descendants and ancestors have a hard time in their respective worlds.
By the way, I do not advocate consuming foods and drinks that have been offered to the ancestors. This goes out to ESPECIALLY pregnant ladies. Because ancestors belong to the Yin realm, while we living beings are in the Yang realm. Consuming their food will introduce excessive Yin ghostly qi in our bodies, destroying our Yang energy.
Whether the baby is lost through abortion or miscarriage, the mother should still do a short confinement to nurse her body back to better health. Apart from registering for bardo deliverance, the parents should also enshrine a tablet for the baby spirit at the temple, and cultivate repentance practice.
If you wish to:
❤️ demonstrate filial piety and help your ancestors be reborn in a better realm,
🤒 help your sickly family member to seek blessings and deliver his/her karmic creditors,
👶🏻 register for bardo deliverance for your aborted/miscarriaged child,
❤️ resolve the debt of enmity between you and your karmic creditors and sign them up for bardo deliverance,
I strongly recommend that you can register for this Saturday's, 30 March 2019, Qing Ming Bardo Deliverance Pure Land Trinity Homa Ceremony, presided by my Root Guru, His Holiness Living Buddha Lian-Sheng.
The Pure Land Trinity, otherwise known as the The Three Saints of the West, comprised of the leader Amitabha Buddha, Avalokitesvara (Guan Shi Yin) Bodhisattva on His left who holds a purification vase and willow leaves, and Mahasthamaprapta Bodhisattva on His right who holds lotus bud.
When you can recite the name of Amitabha Buddha single-mindedly, as you pass on, you will see The Three Saints of the West and the entourage of sages appearing to welcome you with your lotus throne. You will then be reborn in the Western Pure Land of Paradise.
If you cannot do it, as you die, you will see your ghostly ancestors throwing a welcome party for you, as well the Ox-Head and Horse-Face Hell Guards, and the Black and White Impermanence deities coming for you. At this time, you can only rely on the supreme transcendental powers of an accomplished cultivator to deliver the dead.
Why do I have faith that Living Buddha Lian-Sheng can help you? Because I have personally experienced it myself. The story of my family, my ancestors and myself is written in this FB article: goo.gl/KbCcXW
To register for this Saturday 3pm, Qing Ming Bardo Deliverance The Three Saints of the West Homa Ceremony, please register an account online at the website of Taiwan Lei Tsang Temple, and use the online registration system to sign up for the Homa Ceremony:
💻 Taiwan Lei Tsang Temple website: ➡️ https://tbsec.org/
📩 Online Homa Registration URL ➡️ https://goo.gl/TnVyyW
📩 Guide to Online Registration ➡️ https://bit.ly/2O0DlSH
(The deadline for online application for every Saturday's Homa Ceremony is till Friday 5pm. After which, you will have to email the temple with the downloaded forms.)
Registration for ancestors:
Name of the deceased or 李(your surname)氏歷代祖先。
Registration for fetal spirits:
XXX (name of Mother)之水子靈,
Address would be either the tablet temple address or the mother's residential address.
The donation amount for Homa Ceremony registration is entirely your choice. But in my humble opinion, if you are too stingy to your ancestors, they may very well appear in your dreams to give you a good spanking. 😄
white family funeral home 在 Plus Size Kitten Facebook 的最佳解答
There seem to be so many friends of mine and Brian that have either recently had babies, are soon to have babies, or will probably be expecting babies in the future. This is my plea to you:
There will be times your child will scream and cry any time you try to put him or her down. Or they'll cry even as they're in your arms and you've done everything you can possibly think of to get them to stop. There will be sleepless nights, multiple diaper changes in a matter of minutes, spit up in your hair, pee on your shirt, and poop in your hands, and again - so much screaming from the baby, and probably from you as well. Every time that happens, every time you feel frustrated and want to run away, please remember my story:
My sweet, sweet Eleanor Josephine was born sleeping September 11th. I went to bed the night of the 10th, and she was kicking away. I woke up, and she wasn't. I couldn't find the heartbeat on the home doppler. I knew. I just knew. I didn't want to know...I wanted to be mistaken, but I knew.
We went to Labor and Delivery immediately, praying the whole way there. They tried the doppler - nothing. Before they put the ultrasound wand on me, they ran the heartbeat monitor over my belly - nothing. My heart was sinking fast, and I remember thinking "This can't be happening...this is just a dream...this can't be happening...They'll find something on the ultrasound...just *something*." But these were feeble hopes, because again, I knew. I could tell they knew, too, but no one said anything until Brian (who was parking the car) got there. I could tell they were delaying, "Oh, the ultrasound machine sometimes takes a while to boot up." "I think there's something wrong with the wand...." Finally, Brian was there, they did the ultrasound, and there was silence as they all exchanged nervous glances. Finally one of them matter-of-factly said, "Hi Natalie, I'm Doctor ______ (I don't remember her name, but you don't want to know what I call her in my head). I'm sorry...there's nothing there." I keep having flashbacks to that moment. It's a crippling, all-consuming feeling of utter suffocation, and a memory that will haunt me for the rest of my life. In that moment, I felt trapped as if the ceiling was literally crashing down on top of me. I couldn't breathe, I lashed out, I screamed, I threw things, I threw up...and then a piece of me died with her. I was helpless to change anything. My body was supposed to keep her safe, and instead it killed her. I was 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant.
A couple of hours later, I was induced. They offered me an epidural, but I couldn't do it. I needed to own it. I needed the pain, the agony, and misery to mirror what I felt in my heart. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Ever. Dealing with the unbearable contractions, the ring of fire, the tearing...knowing that all of it was for nothing. I was delivering a lifeless child. There would be no happiness at the end of it to help me forget the pain. The pain, unlike my baby girl, would live on forever.
Then finally, after those hellish few hours of labor, she was placed on my chest - gorgeous, but lifeless. There was no reason to expect that first little cry from her. Instead, it was me who sobbed. I begged her through my tears to wake up: "Please wake up, baby girl...please, wake up. Why won't you cry for mommy? Please, please, please....just wake up."
She was beautiful. She was perfect in every way. I love her so much, and the devastation I felt, and still feel, cannot even begin to be described. We got to spend 6 hours with her. We took hundreds of photos. A photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" came by and took even more. I bathed her, I brushed her hair, I held her, kissed her, and told her how much I loved her. And I apologized over and over again for failing her. Oh, how I failed my beautiful baby girl.
They offered to allow us to say the night, but I couldn't stay there any longer. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my daughter, either, but I knew I was just prolonging the inevitable. As time went on, she was looking less and less like the flawless child that I brought into this world. I couldn't keep watching her deteriorate in my arms. I knew she couldn't feel any pain, but I was feeling it for her, and I had reached my breaking point. I wanted to die with her.
Around 11:30pm, we said our final goodbyes. As I stood over her and spent those last few minutes with her, blood was cascading down my legs and onto the floor. I didn't care - my womb was crying. Everything about me was crying. Watching them wheel her away broke me. My life ended then and there. They wheeled me out of the hospital and I screamed and sobbed the entire way.
Monday was the funeral, and we had to go through the whole thing again. Seeing her one last time (my legs gave out from under me at first sight), singing to her, touching her cold, lifeless face, telling her how much we loved her, and me, apologizing over and over again for not being able to protect her. It was a small, intimate ceremony - 9 people total. Immediate family only. We all took turns blessing her. And once again, we said our goodbyes.
Everyone gave my husband and I one last moment with her, just the three of us. And when we were done, he and I walked arm in arm down the aisle, as our family held the doors open for us as the end of the room. I flashed back to our wedding day as we walked down the aisle as husband and wife and the doors were held open for us. The memory was such a cruel juxtaposition to the current reality. Our wedding march was joyous. This was a nightmare, this was morbid, this was wrong. Everything about it was wrong. I can still see that tiny box draped in a white cloth that held her tiny body. I had to leave her there in that cold, empty room; all alone all over again. It's a nightmare that just won't end.
I say all that to say this: my womb, my heart, and my arms are empty. There are going to be so many of you who have babies who are going to cry every time you try to put him or her down. Or they'll cry for no reason even if you're holding them and you've fed them, burped them, changed them...everything. And inevitably you're going to cry too, because you will feel so helpless and so frustrated and so clueless, and you'll want to scream, "Why won't you stop crying?!" You're going to be exhausted and angry and fed up and all you're going to want in this world is just a little time to yourself so you can sleep or shower or or eat whatever. I know, because I've been there with my son. But I will never be there with my daughter. And I would give anything to suffer as only a mother (or father) can in those dark moments of parenthood with her, my dear Eleanor.
So please just remember, while you're awake at 3am because you have a baby in your arms keeping you up that late, I'm up at 3am because I don't. And I would give anything in this world to have a baby spitting up on me, being colicky for all hours of the day and night, screaming, not letting me put her down, cracking my nipples from breastfeeding, keeping me up all night. Instead, I still have a stitched nether region, painfully engorged breasts no baby will suckle from, a flabby stomach, an empty womb, and blood that will continue to pour out of me for who knows how many more weeks. As if her death and birth wasn't traumatic enough, I still have to live with the physical effects all these many days later.
All I ask of you is when you have your dark moments with your baby - when you're at your wits' end and feel like you can't go on anymore when you're only getting an hour or two of sleep a night - instead of begging your child to go to sleep and being swallowed up in your frustration and exhaustion, find the tiniest bit of strength within you to keep going, and say a prayer of gratitude for your child, as difficult as it may be in that moment. And if you would, say a prayer for me and all the mothers whose children were taken from them too soon. Say a prayer for my sweet, sweet Eleanor who never got to know life outside my womb.
Please. Do it for Eleanor. And do it for her mommy who loves her and misses her beyond measure.
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