Our collective emotional memory (Lee Yee)
I was most humbly quoting British writer Rushdie’s words yesterday “Don’t be dominated by fear, even if you are afraid”, and was asked by someone: how to be afraid but not be dominated by fear?
When I came across this phrase 19 years ago, I vaguely felt that it could be a wake-up call. It was my experience in Hong Kong since June last year that taught me what it truly means by to be afraid yet not be dominated by fear. Most young people at the frontline admitted that they were “very afraid”, but were reluctant to leave their brothers and sisters behind in order to save themselves. As such, the persistence to pursue freedom freed them from being dominated by fear.
Some pro-Beijing media accused me of inciting young people to go to the frontlines, while I am hiding at the back. As more accusations are being thrown around, more fellow comrades also started to believe it, and said on certain media that some “not so young persons” are making these attempts. I never cared how people view me, because how I view myself has always been more important. In a recent interview, I said that when I watched those young people in the frontlines, I was very worried. In my heart I was telling them not to do it, it is too dangerous. Yet I do not say it out loud. I understand that young people can only achieve the feeling of freedom through fighting, to realize that freedom, and only those in the frontlines would truly grasp the meaning of fellow comrades and the special relationships among brothers and sisters. I never wrote any essay giving young people instructions. I’ve only expressed understand and respect afterwards. It is from them that I learned the courage of freedom that is “to be afraid yet not to be dominated by fear”.
A friend, who was taking pictures on the streets, was intercepted by a dirty cop who threatened to arrest her. She yelled at the dirty cop, and left. In private, she told me she was “really afraid”, yet could not help but yell back. This is exactly “don’t be dominated by fear, even if you are afraid”.
This is the emotional experience shared by many Hongkongers since last year. This is a collective emotional memory.
Another memory is “pain”. Raymond Yeung, the teacher who was shot in the right eye by the police’s tear gas last year on June 12, said in a recent interview that he is actually very afraid of pain. “If on that June 12 morning you had told me I would lose an eye if I were to go out…even if you had told me I would be hit by tear gas, I might not have gone out, let alone losing a whole eye.” The endurance of pain is not an innate ability, but something acquired, something that the Hong Kong community has acquired altogether. He said that when people watch clips of police brutality, their hearts ache, but they also know that this is a rite of passage to go through together. As he considered that, he felt like his pain was being shared and distributed. To quote Brian Leung Kai-ping, “what truly connects Hongkongers is pain.”
Those who did not experience physical pain were perhaps all experience emotional pain through the screen. This pain, is our collective memory. To feel pain, one is a true Hongkonger, or else…
In addition, two other strong emotions felt by Hongkongers were anger and disgust. After witnessing fear and pain on media images, the Scared Liar Conference in the following day would bring anger and disgust, not to mention the faces of those Hong Kong Communists and pro-Beijing politicians. Every time I see them on screen, I think of Lu Xun’s words, “If the mask is worn for too long, it grows on the face, to take it off would be digging into the skin, the bones, and the muscles.”
No, they won’t take these masks off themselves. Yet having witnessed the history of the CCP, there are bound to be a chance to prove them wrong and to dig into the skin, the bones, and the muscles. Hongkongers probably wish to witness this moment.
A friend said that he wished to leave Hong Kong not because of the fear and the pain, but the anger and the disgust. I totally get him. Unless one makes it a habit to live under this blanket of lies, otherwise no normal people would find this easy to swallow.
It is logically to leave due to fear of the threats on security, but anger and disgust are not threats. To live, one must slowly let go of these emotions, but definitely not to forget the events that brought such fear and disgust.
Article 29 (5) of the National Security Law: “provoking by unlawful means hatred among Hong Kong residents towards the Central People’s Government or the Government of the Region, which is likely to cause serious consequences.” Hatred, as an emotion, had nothing to do with the crime; yet we know and will remember who and what were “provoking by unlawful means hatred among Hong Kong residents”, which was indeed a behavior of a criminal organization.
Fear, pain, anger, and disgust – Hongkongers’ collective emotional memory since last year.
