【學佛Q&A】有話直說、實話實說有錯嗎?
常有人說:「我就是直腸子,講話不會拐彎抹角。」「我都是照實講,才不討好人!」照道理說,實話實說沒有錯,但實話雖真卻是最傷人,尤其是夫妻、家人之間,因為關係親密,常常忽略了基本的尊重與禮貌。
例如常聽到夫妻相互批評:「你衣服穿得邋邋遢遢,真是黃臉婆!」「已經這麼胖了,還不知道節制。」就算說的是實話,但已經傷到對方的自尊,所以這種話最好不要脫口而出。也有些人,連素不相識的人,說話也心直口快,傷害別人還不自覺,因此人們常說:「說話前要三思。」
聖嚴法師就常提醒弟子,開口前要先拿捏說話的時機,惜言慎語,盡量訓練自己:「話到口邊想一想,講話之前慢半拍。」
臺北榮總精神部臨床心理師呂俐安指出,關於說實話的拿捏,有人說話自以為坦白,或是只是開個玩笑,但已經傷害人而不自知。尤其小孩會納悶,大人不是說要誠實嗎?他只是坦白說出感受,為何要被指責?誠實、說實話是做人的原則,是內外一致的,但說出口的話要考慮到對方的感受,內心是充滿愛心,而不是不經修飾,這樣才不會傷害彼此的感情,也才是一位有智慧的人。
言語本身並沒有好壞,端看個人的智慧,如果使用得當,可以幫助溝通;反之,則會讓人產生煩惱。
◎文:編輯室、轉載自人生雜誌Humanity Magazine粉絲專頁
更多學佛Q&A https://pse.is/39kvyp
#學佛問與答
#實話實說有錯嗎
#直腸子
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學佛與做人的道理 在 謙預 Qianyu.sg Facebook 的最讚貼文
【天青色等煙雨,而我在等你】(English writing below)
我看著客人眼淚
滴滴答答的打在桌面上
筆記本
濕了
本子上的字
糊了
她的心酸
猶如洪泉遇到崩裂的堤壩
一波一浪的破牆而出
一個被愛情辜負的女子
看了真是心疼
我不由自覺的
想到了自己
你懂我的
像我這樣剛烈的女子
爲了愛情
我絕不退縮
祇是一個勇字
又豈能成事呢
童年
過得心驚膽顫
家裡常吵得
雞犬不寧
爸爸沒想要
把我生下
媽媽常說
要把我趕出去
我很努力讀書
我很努力做個乖孩子
我覺得我做得很好
人小小本事很大
但這些終究無法
讓我在美滿的家庭長大
多少個夜晚裡
我被媽媽打得
想奪門而出
永不再見
可是想到誰來照顧她
我又忍下來
我很恨
為何我命運不如人
第一次談戀愛時
我是多麼多麼的雀躍
內心裡的煙花
不斷地爆開
我終於等到了
不再是
沒人要的孩子了
我終於
值得有人愛了
初戀的絢麗
卻也如七彩美麗的煙花
一聲巨響後
就消失在漆黑的夜裡
他常常在我面前
提到他如何深愛著
他中學時的校花
她是如此的美好
有一次
這校花來我們的學校
他得知後
破課室的門而出
沒見到她
他哭了一整個星期
心中的不安
讓我常常與他吵架
三年零八個月裡
我不是一個好女友
服滿兵役後
他喜歡上大學迎新會
的一位混血兒
後來
我和一位校友打了幾次桌球
某夜
他在ICQ向我索吻
對他的印象
就一落千丈了
(你以為老娘在賤賣嗎?)
不久一位朋友告訴我
他約會的對象
不只我一個
我有一位
很好很好的朋友
我在新加坡時
他常陪我
深夜打桌球到清晨
聊佛法聊人生
一起上佛學班
一起學國標舞
從未有一個人
如此瞭解我的心
如此照顧著我
但無所不談的當兒
他也不斷告訴
這麼多年來
他如何愛念著
一個女孩
對她始終無法忘懷
我又輸給
活在記憶中的人了
我這一份單戀
長達兩年
很磨人很磨人很磨人
差一點走不出來
第二次談戀愛
他常在我面前提起
一個他追了半年追不到的女孩
他說
有一天一定要去問她
為什麼不選擇他
在家裡的毒打
並沒有隨著我成人
而停止
後來拜師學藝
卻因爲品德不良
被師父一句
「你不是我要找的人。」
斷然吃了閉門羹
那天我哭得痛徹心扉
覺得自己
好像是
個沒人要的孩子
方文山因爲
八百年前
宋徽宗皇帝御批的這句
「雨過天青雲破處」
而在周傑倫《青花瓷》裡
寫了『天青色等煙雨,而我在等你』
他說
愛情里最無力的無奈
就是「等待」
天青色得等待
不知何時會降的雨
雨停
積雲散去
朗朗晴空中
天青色才能顯現
如同我
只能被动而安静的
等待着
不知何时才会出现的妳。
慢慢的
我開始認為
我這輩子等不到了
月老應該沒幫我
綁上紅線
學佛多年後
忽然恍然大悟
一個道理
没有东西是必须拥有的
沒有它
也不代表自己的不足
愛情
是一個填不滿的慾望
所以愛情劇長紅
在2015年2月21日年初三,根本上師蓮生活佛在台灣中天綜合電視台的訪談中說:https://youtu.be/EPDxwSt6a5I (時間12:08)
「師尊本身的愛是這樣的。我既然愛她,就是要她幸福,不是要佔有她,這種愛不是佔有,其實愛不是佔有。如果愛是佔有的話,那就是屬於慾望。如果愛不是佔有,我是祝福她,雖然我愛她,她不愛我,她愛別人,我就祝福她。如果愛別人會比較幸福,我就祝福她。這種愛就不是佔有的愛。如果是佔有的愛,一定會產生痛苦。」
原來我真正在等的
是自己
自己的智慧開了
心變闊達時
才不會讓他人決定
自己幾時可以幸福
可以幸福多久
命運在我手中
怎麼走本來就是我說了算
我輕輕的拿起桌上的紙巾,遞給女客人。她一把鼻涕,一把眼淚的向我道謝。
借了師父慣用的笑話,我柔聲細語的說:「別哭,新加坡缺水,要哭要到蓄水池哭,這樣我們可以少看馬來西亞的臉色做人。」
她破涕而笑。
我再說:「我看了妳的八字,現在又看到妳真人,勸你跟我講話老實一點,要不然我幫不到妳。妳明明一直做人家的小三,還敢跟我哭沒有男人要和妳結婚?妳不也偷偷拿了他不少錢嗎?我看妳明明就是一張愛錢的臉。」
奉勸各位大俠,在我面前,若要用眼淚爲武器,請三思,因爲虛偽的,我必定拆你面具。
..........................
I looked at the teardrops of my client, pitter patter onto the table top. My client's notebook got wet. The words got muddled.
All the pains in her heart were like the angry river crushing through a broken dam, tearing down the walls as the tears flowed.
To see a lady being let down by love was indeed heart-breaking.
I couldn't help but thought of myself.
You know me. An unyielding character like mine will not shrink like a coward in the name of love. Alas, there are things in life that can't be accomplished solely with courage.
My childhood was filled with a lot of fear. There were often quarrels at home.
My dad didn't want me to be born. My mum often said she wanted to chase me out of the house.
I studied very hard. I did my utmost to be an obedient kid, and I thought I did very well as young child but I was already very capable. However, all these were not enough for me to grow up in a complete family.
So many nights, I got beaten up so badly by my mum that I wanted to just break out of the door and never to see her again. But the mere thought of nobody looking after her pulled me back.
I hated so much. Why wasn't my destiny comparable to other people?
When I first fell in love, I was so elated. The fireworks in my heart exploded non-stop. I finally found someone. I was no longer that child which nobody wanted. I was finally worthy of someone's love.
The splendour of first love, however, was as temporal as the rainbow-coloured fireworks. After a loud explosion, it vanished into the darkness of night.
He would often tell me in my face, how much he pined for and loved his secondary school crush, apparently the prettiest and most perfect girl in school.
Once, this campus belle came to our school. When he got wind of the news, he dashed out of the classroom. Failing to see her, he cried for one whole week.
My insecurity caused me to quarrel with him often. In those 3 years and 8 months, I wasn't a great girlfriend. After his NS, he got together with a girl of mixed blood at his university's Orientation camp.
I played pool with a uni mate a few times. One night over ICQ, he teased me for a kiss. My impression of him dropped like hot cakes. Did I look like I was lelong-ing myself? Later, a girl pal told me that he was dating several girls at the same time.
I had a very good friend. Whenever I was in Singapore, he would accompany me to play pool till wee hours. We talked about Dharma, life, and we attended Buddhism and ballroom dancing classes together. I had never met a person who understood me and took care of me so well.
But among our endless conversations of everything and anything, he always told me how he still loved a girl from his school. He couldn't forget her.
Again, I lost to someone who lived in the memory of the guy I liked.
This one-sided love of mine burned for two years. It was very, very, very excruciating. I almost didn't make it out alive.
In my second relationship, the boyfriend would always tell me about a pretty girl whom he pursued for half a year, but failed to win her heart. He told me firmly that if he had the chance, he wanted to ask her why she did not choose him.
The abusive beating at home did not stop even after I grew up.
Later on, when I wanted to become Shifu's disciple, he turned me down flat because he didn't think I had good morals and values. He was blunt, "You are not the person I am looking for."
That night, I cried painfully hard. Suddenly, I felt like I was the kid from my childhood whom nobody wanted.
800 years ago, Emperor Huizong of Song Dynasty wrote in an imperial decree "雨過天青雲破處". It was this that inspired Vincent Fang (方文山) to write the lyrics 『天青色等煙雨,而我在等你』in Jay Chou's song 青花瓷 (Blue and white porcelain).
Vincent Fang said, the most powerless kind of helplessness in love was waiting.
The sky green colour had to wait for the rain, which it had no idea when it would arrive. After the rain stopped, the thick clouds dissipated, in the clear skies, the sky green colour would then be able to appear. This was just like how he could only passively and quietly wait, for his lady whom he had no idea when she would appear.
Gradually, I started thinking that in this lifetime, I would not be able to wait for that person to appear. Perhaps Yue Lao (the elderly celestial under the moon) did not tie the red string on me.
After many years of learning the Dharma, one day, I suddenly came to the realisation that nothing is a must to own.
Secular love is a black hole of desires. That is why romantic shows are evergreen.
On 21 February 2015, the 3rd day of the Lunar New Year, my Root Guru Living Buddha Lian-Sheng spoke in an interview with the Taiwan CTI Television Inc.: https://youtu.be/EPDxwSt6a5I (timestamp 12:08)
"My personal take on love is this. Since I love her, I will want her to be blissful, and not to possess her. Such love isn't possession. Actually love isn't possession. If love is possession, that belongs to desire. If love isn't desire, I will wish her well. Although I love her, she doesn't love me, but loves another person, so I will give her my best wishes. If loving another person brings her more happiness, I will wish her well. Such love isn't possessive love. If it is possessive love, there will surely be pain."
Then I realised, the one that I had been waiting all along for is myself. Waiting for my wisdom to develop, waiting for my heart to be more open, so that I would not place my happiness in the hands of another person, and let the person decide for me when I should be happy, for how long I can stay happy...
My destiny is in my hands. How it pans out is up to me to say.
I gently picked up a serviette from the table and passed it to my lady client. In a mush of mucus and tears, she thanked me.
Borrowing an old joke from Shifu, I gently told her, "Don't cry. Singapore lacks water. If you want to cry, you should cry at a nearby reservoir. This way, we don't have to see the colours of Malaysia in order to get more water."
She broke into a smile among her tears.
I continued, "After looking at your Bazi, and now that I have seen you in person, I advise you to be more honest with me, or else I will not be able to help you. You have all along been a mistress to other men, and you dare to come crying to me that no man wanted to marry you? Didn't you also stole some money from them? The way I see you, you obviously have a money grubber face."
My advice to all swordsmen: If you wish to use your tears as a weapon in front of me, think thrice. Because if you are a hypocrite, I will definitely rip your mask apart.
學佛與做人的道理 在 法鼓山 Facebook 的最讚貼文
【聖嚴法師開示精選】福慧雙修
一般人拜佛都想祈求福報,但是有福報卻不一定有智慧,若無智慧,福報本身就可能帶給我們困擾。有福的人一定要有智慧,有了智慧,才知道如何運用福報和增長福報。因此佛教主張「福慧雙修」,主張「悲智雙運」,那才算是健康的修行。
不管是福慧雙修或悲智雙運,都要知道如何來培植和運用自己的福報,至於如何培植?就必須靠智慧。譬如:有人希望從商賺錢,就得先去學習工商管理、學習企業經營。再如昨天我遇到一位哥倫比亞大學畢業的財務管理博士,我問他賺了多少錢?他回答說:「我只知道怎麼替別人賺錢、管錢,但是自己沒有錢。」知道怎麼替人賺錢、管錢,而自己沒有錢,就是有智慧而福報不夠。很多公司的老闆本身並沒有讀多少書,但是他們能夠用很多具有高學歷的專家、學者來替他們賺錢。類似的老闆,雖然未受多少正規教育,但也不能說是沒有智慧,不過,能有用人的智慧,還得要有賺錢的福報。
一個人如果把人做到親痛仇快、眾叛親離的程度,可以說他是沒有智慧,不會待人;在家庭裡父子成仇、夫妻反目、兄弟鬩牆,也都是沒有智慧加上缺少福報。善於處人是智慧;受人善待是福報。如果一個人能夠把認識的及不認識的人集合在一起工作,找來在一起生活,自己雖然沒什麼錢,能夠有人,則不僅是財富,且是福慧雙修。福報是從哪裡來?是靠無私的智慧來,就像上面所講的,把許多生成個性不同、生活習慣不同、教育程度不同的人,集合在一起愉快地工作,這是需要人緣和智慧的,人緣就是福報,再加上智慧的運用就是一種財富。
佛教所講的智慧,不全同於知識和學問。知識和學問可以從書本中或學校裡學習;智慧則是要從內心的體驗及人與人之間關係的運用而獲得。有些人雖然讀了很多書,但是沒有人緣,不通世故,走到哪裡都不受人歡迎,想做任何事,別人都不願認同、參與,這種人就算是少福少慧了。這種人可能有滿腹的經綸,同時也有滿腹的牢騷,更不幸的是尚有十足的驕氣。
常言道:「做事容易做人難。」可是,識人才能用人,有人才能成事,成事才有福報。如果沒有人來相助,必不能成就大事。同樣一件事情,如果僅靠一個人單槍匹馬,孤軍奮鬥,雖然也可以做出一點什麼來,然其過程辛苦而成就有限。如果能集眾人之力,眾志成城,同心協力,做同樣的事,便能可大可久,造福更多的眾生了。故在佛法中,強調和樂,主張群策群力,所以在《華嚴經.淨行品》中,勉勵學佛的人,要能夠做到「統理大眾,一切無礙」。
---本文摘自《禪的世界(四版)》
延伸閱讀 👉如何福慧雙修
https://youtu.be/KxwhF5FrjcQ
#如何福慧雙修
#聖嚴法師開示精選
#悲智雙運
#智慧
#華嚴經淨行品
#統理大眾
#一切無礙
#禪的世界
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